I watched episode 2 of “Stars on Mars” because I hate myself

On Monday, Uncle Matt had to keep his longstanding tradition of watching “Stars on Mars.” I’ve been watching the reality show now since as long as I can remember, or maybe June 5. Feels like an eternity, frankly. Anywho, if you’re just back from Jupiter or wisely skipped my summary last week, there’s this new clusterfuck of a reality show that pits a bunch of celebrities from all walks of life on a simulated “Mars,” which is actually just some studio in the middle of Australia. (Spoiler alert.)

“Stars On Mars” is hosted by Canadian William Shatner and features a variety of competitors. You’re probably wondering, “Why is Uncle Matt writing about a seemingly idiotic reality show on a top-notch, high-quality cycling website that usually has deep dives, analyses and well-written think pieces?” Well kids, that’s because one of the contestants is “former professional cyclist Lance Armstrong.” On June 6, several other cycling outlets covered the show, just for the novelty of it. But that novelty is about as far gone as HAL’s logic in “2001,” and yet here I am, still standing, still writing about this godawful television show.

This Australian kid just squared himself on his bike on live TV

The “Stars” of “Stars on Mars”

There’s a bunch of others from sports, TV, and music. You’ve got guys like former NFL running back Marshawn Lynch, UFC star and actress Ronda Rousey, Tom Schwartz from Vanderpump Rules, Tallulah Willis (daughter of Bruce Willis and Demi Moore), Porsha Williams Guobadia (The Real Housewives of Atlanta), former NFL cornerback Richard Sherman and singer Tinashe. There are probably some others but honestly, I’m already exhausted cutting and pasting their names from FOX’s website because I’ve honestly never heard of some of them. So let’s move on.

So every week there are “challenges,” meant to simulate a typical day on the Red Planet. The show starts off with Lynch, who was the previous “base commander,” losing his post to Willis. She, by the way, is charming and positive, but also a bit out-there. (Oh btw, there was also a great little scene with Rousey just smoking the former Super Bowl winner in a wrestling match.)

Martian challenge accepted

The first task involves Winter and Schwartz heading out to the “planet’s surface” to clean the solar panels. Then, oh and you’re going to like this, Armstrong and Williams Guobadia do “health and wellness checks” on the rest of…